Eleanoir's Scribbles
Here kiddies is something I was angsting about the other day, moodswings are good for one thing, hormonal writing ...
From my relatively worthless perspective love reminds me quite a bit of how one shops for shoes. Everyone’s feet are different, much like people are all unique, etc.; and unfortunately no matter how much one likes a certain pair of shoes, they sometimes do not work with the said feet. One does though, find a shoe that the look of is pleasing, as well as the fit, and they are given an owner. Despite this apparent perfect match the shoe and the foot to which it belongs must both break each other in.
With this analogy in mind I can’t help but wonder if the relationships or possibilities of said relationships that I peruse or entertain would actually work, actually fit. I can hope and delude myself that they would, but realistically I can’t know that any of them would. I long for impractical and improbable matches, like shopping for a pair of heels when I need new running shoes, or longing for a pair of stilettos that I have neither the outfit to go with or the money to pay for them.
I am attracted to and fairly attached to a boy I could never have. Yet I still want the relationship that will never exist between us. Any love or interest I have ever had has been unrequited, and I cannot say I am surprised. I thought that I would not reach my 16th birthday and still not have been properly kissed, but it seems I have. I wish I could blame self-esteem or something of that consequence, but I don’t even think that is the problem. Maybe I am the problem, but I am certainly puzzled as to how.
I wish I could tell him how I feel, but I have my pride, and I will not beg him to feel for me. I will project my façade of mild interest. I may keep him away with those actions, but rather to be silently in pain, than visibly mocked and a fool. I wish I could tell him that I was very much in like with him, but I would just be another girl standing in front of a boy asking him to love her.
We are all fools in love or in like, but I feel the most foolish of all, because I feel a fool and I feel as if I am the third person in a two person game. Better to have loved and lost, but what of loving and losing as I do, everyday of every year?
What’s worse about the guy in question is that he is an asshole. He’s mocked me, others, disobeyed teachers; I abhor most of his friends, but I still would say yes if he asked me. I like him despite his shortcomings, and I would like anything with him as well.
I wonder what has given me this glimmer of hope to continue with my futile indulgence of this attraction toward him, and then I remember how he has been when he is by himself or just talking to me, which has only happened once or twice and was insignificant, but to me it was progress, and with summer that progress will halt indefinitely.
Eventually my feelings will fade, my attraction will diminish, and I will continue on as I have before, no changes just constant continuity. I will no longer care anything about him, more or less general indifference, and things will be how they should be.
Monday, May 22, 2006
11:59 p.m.
Blergh, Fan Girls and Tiresome Typing
Gah click click clack, ER types. Yeah yeah I am a lazy ass who never updates, but whatever no one reads, and I don't care. I just archived all the old horrid entries from back when I was still suffering from ghastly pre-teen angst, so that is an improvement.
School lets out in a few days, and I need to get started on my stuff for LEAP for this summer, ugh I hate summer projects. Nothing like reading a book I don't like and doing work I don't want to do.
New layout, again, but it probably won't last long because it is being tempermental, alright kids I have Chemistry work that calls, and I need to sleep so I function in school tomorrow. Aloha for now ...
“There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it”- George Bernard Shaw
Eleanoir Rigby
Monday, May 22, 2006
11:53 p.m.